0 In motherhood/ pregnancy loss

Dear Baby Julian

They say October 15th is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.  While I’m glad that our society has designated one special day per year for me to remember you, I say one day just doesn’t cut it.  I remember you all the time.

We didn’t know if you were pink or blue, but I had to name you anyway.  To me, giving you a name honored your life, no matter how short.  It took us a long time to decide on a name for you.  To be honest, I was really angry that I didn’t know if you were a boy or a girl.  I wanted to know you so badly.  Couldn’t God at least have given me the chance to know one basic thing about you, like your gender?  I felt so cheated.  You were a part of me and your dad.  Made up of our DNA.  And yet, I never met you.  Never held you.  Never really knew you.

We decided to name you Julian.  It seemed fitting to me.  Julian as in July.  July was the month of you.  We discovered you, celebrated you, prayed for you, pleaded for you, lost you, and grieved you.  All within one July.  Of course, I didn’t stop grieving for you when July ended.  That was a process that took a long time.

The significance of July doesn’t stop there.  God used July, almost one full year later, to bring a very special healing to my heart.  Your brother.  We found out that we were expecting you on the 4th of July, 2014.  I held your brother for the first time on July 3rd, 2015.  I would have to be completely blind to not see God’s faithfulness through His timing.  It amazes me whenever I think about it.

Your brother is so special to me.  But, he doesn’t replace you.  I know that you two would not be the same person and a mama’s heart has room enough for all of her babies.  Sometimes, when I’m holding him, I wonder about you.  Were you a boy or a girl?  Would you have looked like him?  Who would you grow up to be?

I don’t have any answers in response to my questions just yet.  But, it’s so good to serve a God who knows all the answers to every question.  And, it’s such a comfort to me to know that He has you.

Love you forever,

Mom

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